$14.99 for 24 hrs

Never eat here

Let me preface this whole tirade with this is my sister's wedding weekend. It is a few months in the making. Detail wise. Really 12 years in the making. That's how long it took for him to finally ask. I think she ruined it because they have been living together for at least 8 years and like people say, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free." So... We are here in Vegas for the never-thought-it would happen nuptials on Saturday. I try to be a good sport. I honestly do. I do not start out wanting to hate the experience. I don’t want to hate the experience. But most times that is what it turns into. I got my room away from everyone. Not on purpose but it happened. And good. I like to be away and it gives me an excuse to leave at times. I got dressed for dinner alone, asked for help, they arrived and blew it off. Well okay. I was dressed fine. Whatever. I know this is her time and everyone is here to see her so I should not expect for her to give me attention but hello? I am here because of you. I am not here because I enjoy Vegas. Fourth time here and not sure I have enjoyed any of the trips. Dinner. Waiting for the table at the video machines and she walks off with her best friend. Same story as my second trip to Vegas. See a pattern? Every trip has been a “family” trip. At dinner. Extremely pricey and it is only our first night here. I try to get it so Christine is next to me but she moves so the chair was open for my dad. Exactly what I was trying to avoid. He goes on and on to the wine lady, (I know there is a real word for that but who wants to write it?), about wine. He acts like he knows and he doesn’t. I instantly am annoyed at his tone of voice and supposed knowledge of the topic. My sister goes to stand up and go to the bathroom and she cannot find her purse anymore. It is gone. Not there. The restaurant employees do not seem to mind. Barely get them to move. And they try to tell us no one walked behind her. Well I know for a fact one of theirs waiters and a bus boy walked that way. So more people could have. It was not under anyone else’s table. Not at our table. Security is called. I walk back to my room just to make sure she did not leave it there. Of course it is not there after that long trek barefoot through the casino. Back at the table, finished with security and calling the bank to cancel her card. Does not know her account number. I trek my ass back through the casino, again barefoot, to get to the room, turn on the computer, figure out the wi-fi, which is not FREE, and log in to her account to get the number. Well guess the fuck what? She says she does not need the account number anymore but since I am already there she wants me to check if the thief has charged anything. Back to the table where starters have been served and bread with spreads. A bottle of wine has been ordered. I pass. Dinner is served. First thought, “Not worth the $25 price they have stuck it with.” Not great. Now did this whole experience sour me on this restaurant and this expensive meal? Hell yes. I have my mother on my left who is already in the hole drinking wise. My father on my right who insists on constantly touching those around him. I do not need my head petted. I do not need my back rubbed, my shoulders rubbed. I do not need to be touched. I am always telling him not to but he never listens. Never remembers important things he should know about me. We are asked if we want dessert. Unanimously we say no. It is almost 10:30 and my parents go to play video slots, my sister and her best friend are standing there talking about things I know nothing about and people I don’t know. She asks me what I am going to do and I say, “If this is what you are going to do I might as well go to my room.” I am asked again why I don’t want to gamble. Not in the mood at 10:30. What would I do? It’s not like I know some hot spot we can all go “hang” at. I am not with friends. I am with my parents and really have no urge to party with them. I don’t even know how to party. So I say good bye, see you tomorrow and walk away. All feeling sorry for myself. I set myself up for this. I cannot stop my motions. Every time. Problem is I feel sorry for myself most of always. I hate that I am alone. That I am the after thought. That it is 2+2+1 always. Me being the 1. Even with Christine I am still a one. She ignores me when Christine is around which yes I am just feeling sorry about myself and my life really is not that hard and I should get over it and not dwell on it. But all I have is my own head at the end of the day and there is no one but me to think about and my sad lonely, sheltered, tired existence.
My dad asked me if I was going to cry at the wedding. Only reason I would, again, would be because I am feeling sorry for myself. Not because I was over come with joy for them. It would be all about me. How sick is that? I cannot be happy for her first and think about myself last for this one day.
-Over it all in Las Vegas.

The Key Incident

Over the weekend the deadbolt lock on the hallway door broke. It was replaced Monday, we were given a new key but later we were told it was not going to work, to forget the new key but keep the new key because it might work later. Okay, new keys in desk; old key still locks the door handle. I get a call from Boss "B" at 8:40 in the morning. I ignore which is what I always do when he calls and when I get to work he is sitting in his truck waiting for me. He cannot get into the hall to get to the office. I think he is stupid because I gave him back his old key and it still unlocks the door handle. I checked to make sure before giving it back to him that it was the correct key. I walk up the stairs with him following much too close behind me and to my surprise there is a deadbolt on the door where last night there was a hole. So I walk back downstairs to the pet store to get the key because the ones we were given are in my desk drawer. Forgetting that I could have just gone up the stairs that are in the pet store I get the key with, again, him following much to close behind explaining to one and all the handle and old deadbolt were the same key so now there is two keys to unlock the door. Boss "B" decides to whine about that and how now, "I have to carry two keys on my key ring?" Are you five years old? Your are an adult, get over it. We go back upstairs with him still following much to close behind and him complaining about the appearance of another key to add to his already, "large amount of keys I have to carry." I send an email off to Boss "A" to make sure she has not thrown away the old key because she still needs it. I get a reply 30 minutes later that says this:

Would you please ask that they change the lower lick too please. If necessary we will pay for it. It is just too inconvenient to carry one more key.


Thanks,
Boss "A"
Sent from Boss "A" 's iPhone

Are your serious about this? Too inconvenient for you? First I am the employee of the tenant. You are the tenant. Second you are using my person relationship with the building owner to get what you want and to make it easier because you do not get along with the building owner. Third are you this ridiculous that they fixed the problem in an extremely timely manner but you still want it done over because it is not exactly to your specifications? Which don't matter because the whole fucking world does not revolve around you. Another tenant in our end is complaining as well after demanding he be supplied with four keys. Not because he has four employees but because he has four sets of keys and needs one for each ring. Really? That is their problem?

Asshole number 3 had to come in Tuesday night as he was leaving to let me know he was leaving so I would know to lock up. That annoys me to no end. What does he think happens on the days where he is never even here? Do I forget to lock the door because he was not here to tell me? One day I am going to say something when he comes in. And I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty and he will not like it. Anyway, he tells me he is leaving and that he has put tape over the door handle because this two key thing is just to much to handle so he wants only one lock locked. I left before Boss "B" so I passed on the message where he again took he opportunity to tell me how "inconvenient" it is to carry all these keys. "Try being a man and carry keys all the time." I walked out without a word.

So Assholes number 1, 2 and 3 are complaining and it will be fixed soon. Little do they know I have been talking to the owner and most likely the problem as they see it, Assoholes number 1, 2 and 3 that is, will be fixed by putting in a doorknob that does not lock. One key, one lock. Problem solved.

My one gripe for the day.

This is how it started:
-----Original Message-----
From: Boss "A"
Sent: Wednesday, October 21, 2009 10:42 PM
To: "Me"
Subject: Costco
Hi we are going to Costco this week. Is there anything we need for the office?
Thanks
Boss "A"

Sent from Boss "A" 's iPhone

My reply:
-----Original Message-----
From: "Me"
Sent: Thursday, October 22, 2009 9:20 AM
To: Boss "A"
Subject: RE: Costco
Garbage bags and water. We do NOT need disposable cameras, there is a box of 6 rolls of film (which I believe Costco stopped selling film or cameras, right?) whiteout, tape or calculator tape. If you feel like getting paper get it. I am only 2 reams into a box and have one unopened box in the storage room. That is all I can think of now.

I emphasized the word above that I would like to point out to you. Not. Clearly written, not a forgotten word I forgot to write while typing. It is there in the original message. But some how she failed to see it. And yesterday after I was away for a week she tells me Costco is not selling calculator tape so I will have to order it from Martha. I was confused and said I believed there were a dozen rolls in the cabinet. I also saw yesterday that there was a box of garbage bags which I did say we needed, tape and whiteout. These last two things. I specifically along with the calculator tape said we did not need. What is the point in asking me if we need something if you are going to ignore what I say? When we don't need something we don't need. It is a major waste to have it sitting there for a year. I don't remember the last time we bought whiteout. I never touch it. Only one person in the office does. I am not even sure the last batch we bought has been in use yet. I think we are still on the whiteout from what is now three purchases ago. The point to all of this is, well there really is no point. Other than why? When I have not told here we don't need something she goes ahead and gets it because she does not know if we do need it so why not buy it. This time I thought I would also give a list of things we definitely did not need so they would not be there and think maybe we need it, we should get it. I guess that back fired on me, no?

Going back to being away for a week. I am not the only one who knows where items are stored. This was their system I adopted after coming to work here but do you think the garbage bag box, tape or whiteout was put away?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am feeling apprehensive about it. I am not old by any means but turning 26 is weighing heavily. What has changed in my life in the last year? Three years? Five years? Not anything enough to make turning another year older better.

"A birthday is just another 365 day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip."

-Anonymous

"The Trip"

Over all I can not say it was terrible. It was enjoyable. BUT I never have to do that again. I never have to spend 51 straight hours with her. I counted. It was 1:45 Friday when I showed up at her house and 4:45 Sunday when I finally got in my car and drove the fuck away from her. When I was three houses away I promise to God I actually started yelling I was so happy. It felt like it was never going to end. We woke up at about the same time Sunday, I showered and repacked my stuff. I ordered breakfast while she was showering. We ate. She packed. It was about 10am and she decided we could waste the morning away in the room since the flight left at 1:45. After a while she says we should think about leaving. At this point I am just watching TV since I have been packed and ready to leave since about 8am. She can visibly see my bags are zipped and awaiting to be rolled out. Ten or so minutes later after drinking her third cup of coffee she says it again and I say that I have been ready and waiting on you. "Oh, you have been waiting for me? I have been waiting for you. When I said we needed to leave soon and you just ignored it I thought you were not ready." Not ready? WTF?????? Anyway. Got to the airport and to the terminal with no hassle. Separated. Thank God at the gate. She went to play on the slots and I sat and read. And basically read until we boarded and then read through the flight. The bags took forever to arrive at baggage claim. We were waiting about 25 minutes. I realize now that if I had taken my dad up on his offer to drive me over on Friday he would have had to pick me up at the airport Sunday and this awful weekend would have been over much, much sooner. Live and learn for next time. And of course we got stuck it light traffic on the way home. At this point I have figured out the number of hours we have spent together with no real breaks. These were the breaks. Bathroom breaks, (which include showering), in a few stores we split up while shopping, before leaving the hotel Saturday night I went down ahead of her and had alone time for about 15 minutes and Sunday at the airport while she gambled and I read at the gate. THAT. WAS. IT. I cannot handle togetherness like that with my own family let alone someone I barely like. It was dreadful. I never, ever, ever have to do that again. I know now that I can be strong and voice my true feelings if she ever purposes another trip like this. I was annoyed with her constant talk about people's fashion sense, her complaining that I was walking too fast, (too damn bad), her compelling need to talk about peoples breast sizes, (she was a bit overly involved with that; maybe because hers are ginormous), her continual talk about germs and not wanting to get sick again, (Did I mention I took this trip with someone who just got over having swine flu? No? Well yes I did. Great for me. I secretly was hoping she would be sick longer or more sick than she got so we could cancel the trip and then not rebook.) and I don't know what all else. You name it it was probably bothering me. I have no idea if I annoyed her at all. Don't really care. I most likely did.

The show was fantabulous. There is nothing more to say about it. It was worth every dollar she paid for those tickets. We were about 7 or so rows back. I never counted which is odd for me and right in the center. She is amazing. And everyone always likes to say about people, "For their age..." But age has nothing to do with it. She just is phenomenal. At any age. She has it. The "IT" factor. Okay, a little embarrassed to admit this but yes while she was singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" I actually teared up. I know totally ridiculous. But I felt it. It grabbed me as people like to say. I just wish it was longer. I know 90 minutes is probably tough already but I could have sat there for three hours and thought I was not ready to leave.

“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”

-Bette Midler

So over it.

So sick and tired of her obsessive need of keeping germs off her. She is using the TV checkout and starts complaining about the remote being dirty. Says she needs to wash her hands after. It is taking too long for it to finish so she drops the remote on the bed and says I need to wash my hands so you finish. Well if it is soo dirty would I not have to wash my hands after?

The Divine Ms. Boss

Okay. What gives her the right to give out " fashion citations"? Look in the mirror.

The Divine Ms. M

At the show!!!!!

Shopping.

Bored. Macys here is huge. I am done but waiting. Found a dress for the wedding. Three things are wrong with it. Too much. I would have to buy a much bigger size than I wear. This is the third dress from this designer I tried on and I think they run small. Lastly it is beaded all over and I think that might create chaffing. Oh well. to be continued.

First full day.

Had breakfast in the room. Started shopping. Had lunch. Now shopping again. Almost over!!!! way too much. Shopping. Six frickin hours.

Worth the money for the view.

Dinner was good. I have survived the first night. They view is spectacular. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Pretty damn good food.

Restuarant where wedding reception will be over looking Fremont Street in Downtown Las Vegas.

At the airport. Plane is

At the airport. Plane is delayed. I guess it really doesn't matter. We would be spending this time together anyway. Plane was delayed an hour. They never annouced the delays at all. Three in all.

Off to work I go

I am sure I wrote about this when it first happened earlier in the year. But it has finally come down to today. It is happening. We are on our way to Las Vegas within several hours. I know this should be an exciting time. I get a free, incredible gift. Someone else is paying for the plane, hotel and show tickets and probably the food BUT there is a catch to accepting it all. I have to go with my employer. Some might enjoy this trip. Some might not. I am in that category. Everyone keeps telling me to get over it. You are going to have a great time. And no one understands thats I might have a great time but I dont actually enjoy spending time with her. I might get over my hang ups within a few hours and enjoy it but really? At the end of the day when work is over I like to leave work and spending the weekend with your employer is not leaving work. Sure we probably won't talk about it but we probably will. It is their life. It is their company so of course they talk about it outside of work. I see it coming. "The Talk". Are you happy with your job? True answer. Absolutely not. But there is no way to explain that without being completely honest and that is not going to go over well. I cross my fingers in hopes that it does not come up. Anyway. Nothing I can do now. It is a done deal unless I get deathly ill, get into a car accident or break a body part in the next couple of hours. Any suggestions?

I know I am crazy for this.

There are many a things that annoy me about my employer. This morning started off bad. He continually, even after I have explained the way it works multiple times, still says, "PDF it to me." Does he realize how stupid he sounds? No. Obviously not. Because he is still saying it. He tries to explain to someone on the phone earlier that when they send plans make sure they are too scale because he gets plans that are not and they are of no use to him. He hangs up and ask why PDF files are not too scale. I explain again that "PDF" is a file type not a way of sending something. You email a .pdf. You do not "PDF" something. That anything can be a .pdf not just drawings. They come in all sizes and forms. That when they are not to scale they were created that way in order, probably, to make them smaller and easier to send by email. Then he complains that I am speaking to him like a child and I should not get so worked up over it. I explain again that I have told him over and over .pdf is a file type that you email. You do not "PDF" someone something. He says to me that it is the important things that he remebers, my ass, that is what matters and he will ask again next week. Basically your time means nothing to me and I will do want I want.

What is the definition of insanity? I am never going to get over it. I know I define it because I get locked in the same thing and can not get past. I fail at being the better person. I don't care. It is driving me crazy. He thinks this is funny. He says, and he tells no one because no one knows that he does not actually know how to use the computer, does not type his own estimates or emails and can not read his own emails, that I am his computer interface. Funny, right?

Email titled "URGENT NOTICE"

"You just got a $2.00 an hour raise! Good job and thank you.
Jack and Kim "

Now what do I do?

WTF 2

Devil child and I were on our nightly walk. (Wish it would be our morning ritual instead but... another story.) We are minding our own business, I was trying to reach my "zen" space where I wake up and cannot remember what I was thinking or how I got to what I was thinking I am just being after a day of doing and I see two girls, and I mean girls because they could not have been any older than 15 if even, walking down the center of a two way street. I see a third girl walking along on the sidewalk. As I am crossing the interesection with one girl walking towards me in the intersection and the other two still walking down the middle of the street I hear above the noise of my ipod, "We like your dog." I replay what I think I hear in my head and say, "Yeah, thanks." When the girl right next to me now says, "We weren't talking about the one on the leash." One girl walking in the middle of the street repeats that and the third girl says, "I already said that." I continue walking, am completely taken by surprise and replay what I think I heard as I turn around to see them again. The road has curved by now and they are gone. I reply with a quiet, mainly to myself, "What the fuck?"
Seriously? Did these girls just call me a dog? Who the fuck says these things to a complete strange who did nothing but walk a street in the opposite direction as they were going? I mean beautiful is in the eye of the beholder of course. I know I am not fantastic to look at but a dog? I think I may be a few notches above that.
Wow. High school. How amazingly awful it has become. And how thankful I am to be completely past it. I could not forget their comment for the rest of my walk. I still, more than three hours later, am basically obsessing over it. And it means nothing. It doesn't hurt. I don't know them and they don't know me. I will forget it in a few days. But... WTF? Till next time.

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. ~Maurice Chevalier

WTF

I stupidly just checked my work email and there was one new message since I left work tonight. Why in God's name do I have to be their babysitter? They live together. I think she can find the time to remind him herself.

"Hi *&^-
Will you please check and make sure #$(& has my doctors appointment on his calendar for Tuesday the 25th at 3:00. Thank you!
#!@

Sent from #!@'s iPhone"

Seriously?

Bathroom Conduct

Let me begin by saying I know this is ridiculous. There are bigger issues in life BUT this really, really and I mean REALLY pisses me off. I work in a building that has one business on the bottom floor and several on the second. We kind of take up the front 1/3 of the second floor. There are three bathrooms for our end of the building and we use two. We share it with one other office that only has one person. Female. Our office has me and two other people. One of those people is female but she is out of the office and has been for awhile. The other is male. Is there anything else that needs to be said? I suffered in silence but in the last year it has gotten worse. Linda, in the office down the hall, and I have discussed this issue more than once. She came up with the idea to make one a womens room and the other a mens room. Or maybe it was me. Not sure now. anyway... There are two bathrooms and they are right next to each other perpendicular to her office door.

I got fed up one day after having to replace the toilet paper roll again because someone obviously has no idea how to, after having to walk back to the office because someone does not know how to unlock the door when exiting the bathroom, after having to put the goddamn toilet seat backdown, after having to flush the toilet before I can use it and I made the signs. Nice. Big Clear. Pictures included so even the illiterate can understand the difference between pants and a dress. I even laminated them. Fancy, no? Linda and I put them up while he was out of the office. He got back while I was at lunch and went to use the bathroom probably for his 10th time that day and saw the new signs. Followed them that day but not the next when Linda was not at work.

And that became a pattern for the first two weeks. If she was there he would use the correct bathroom but if she was not there or I was not there he paid no attention to it. Also, oddly enough, he never said anything to me about it. Made a comment to her but not to me until his wife, the third person in our office, asked me if I did it.

Today I went to wash my hands after handling time cards and field invoices, (Which I do not understand these employees. I unfold papers and actual dirt falls on my desk. I get that they work with dirt but please. Keep it on the job.), and the bathroom was locked. I went back, got the key and Linda and I discussed the situation again. Later she emailed me to tell me she figured it. He never unlocked the door after his prior use and since he would never think to get the key proceeded to use the incorrect bathroom all morning. She got her key and unlocked his bathroom. We will see what happens tomorrow.

We feel that it is completely disrespectful that he continues to do this. I was trying to avoid the conversation that starts with, "Sorry your mother never taught you proper bathroom etiquitte and your wife obviously lacks in that department as well but..." He is my employer, I am the employee and that is not a conversation I feel comfortable having. I thought this would solve the problem. Obviously not. Maybe the conversation does need to happen. And soon.

Someone told me the secret to finding out if someone washed their hands after going to the bathroom is to ask them what color the soap is. Till next time.

The End

You know you have lost it when even you are bored reading back your blog entry. How sad is that? I never seem to have the time to write when I actually feel I have something worth saying. And when I do I have time to write I am blank. I can not recall the feelings to express the words enough that makes whatever I wanted to say worth saying. If I am truthful it comes down to not being interesting in life. Or interested in life. How do you write whether it is a birthday card message, a thank you note, a love letter or even a grocery list if you are not feeling something towards the words you are writing? Maybe repetition is the answer. I have heard that after doing something 21 times it becomes routine. Is that the answer? Maybe if I make it into a daily event and at the end of 12 months see if it pushed me anywhere into having some kind of answer for the meaning of my life. A friend told me recently that I have to move on. If I do not get another job soon after having this one for three years I will get stuck. And I do not want to get stuck. She also advised me to move out and live on my own. She only lived alone for six months before getting married and she still sees it as a great time in her life and made her feel independent and good. But what a waste to move just to move. If they are not kicking me out and I don't feel the desparate need to move why do it? There are times where I feel suffocated for staying but then I think life would be soo much harder if I was not here. And moving feels permanent like I am choosing to live here and stay forever. I envy people who can leave. But where would I go? Do I just place my finger on a map and wherever it lands I go? I am not exactly in a job where a move for my job would present itself. And I do mean job. This is not a career. I fell into it and can not see my way out. I have litttle enough respect left for my employer that I am not just going to quit and I have plenty of drive to make and save money that I would not just quit. So if I have lived 25+ years of my life without having to make something happen for myself how do I learn now?

FOOD

Fantastic. Homegrown tomatos have to be my most favorite thing to eat. Well maybe homegrown strawberries beat it. Very simple salad. Roughly cut tomatos, chopped basil, olive oil, balsamic, a little salt and pepper.

Pizza. Simple to make. Store bought whole wheat pizza dough, barbeque sauce, shredded chicken, yellow onions, chopped mushrooms and cheese. I could have done with the mushrooms. Next time.

"Winnie"

From left to right: Gregg, Pop, Julie and of course the star of the show Winifred.

"The Fruits of Our Labor"

Day Two, Three, Four and the Final Day.

Day Two.
Woke up early. Started the day late. Walked the beach. Had lunch with my sister. Saw a movie. Pretty good. Entertaining at least. Had a nice dinner. Low key and enjoyable. Geared up for the next day and my 115 mile drive.

Day Three.

The real vacation begins. The drive in one word... FANTASTIC. Incredibly enjoyable. Relaxing. Fun. Hot. Cannot wait to do it again. The rest of the day so-so.

Dinner was great. Desert to die for! Coconut Cream Pie. Must go back again.

Day Four.

17 Mile Drive. What can I say. I have changed my life's dream. My goal in life is to own a home there. On the drive. I do not care if there is much traffic. I don't care if it is far away from my home away from home, the book store. It is heaven to look at. Somehing to aspire to.Monterey Bay Aquarium. Kind of boring if you do not have a child under the age of 8. But I went. Something to do. Great picture below though.

Final Day.

Sad to leave. Want to go back. Soon. Unhappy to go back to work. Very unhappy. I know now that I can leave and will leave. Need to leave. Have to leave for my own sanity and life happiness. Only question...When?

Day One

First official day of my Spring 09 vacation. Pretty good. Started early. Too early. Morning ran late. Got my excercise in for the day so now I do not have to feel guilty for eating my dinner. Dropped demon child off at the greatest person for being willing to care for her's house and went on my merry way. Kind of lonely without her. Kind of not. I know that she is having a blast visiting with her adoptive family so I do not feel guilty for leaving her. She is on vacation herself. Drive went well. No tickets. Spent money already. Cannot pass up a sale. Got in much later than I would have liked. Tired but not yet homesick. That will probably happen Monday when I am all alone in a new place. For now with family. Excited for myself. I already have ideas for the next trip coming late fall 09. Till then.

Parenthood

So you can barely see the booboo but it is there. I could not get her to stay still last night. We think it was a rose thorn. It was taken out last night but she also has bumps on top of her snout which in the picture you can see is swollen and it pussed over during the night. We took an unexpected trip to the vet this morning, she was given an antibiotic and told to go home. All is well. She will live to bark another day.

Office Manners

Two times in my life I have told people I no longer wish to be their friend. Neither time was I proud of myself. I just felt the words needed to be said. But after I definitely regretted it. Not that I did not mean it the second time but was it really necessary that I say it out load? The third time instead of telling the person I just ignored them. Which also did not make me proud of myself. But definitely was necessary for me self preservation. Now the fourth time I do not know how to go about it. Since I work for thesepeople it is a bit tricky. First I guess I would have to quit. Step 1. Wait make that Step 2. Find another job Step 1. And the rest would take care of itself. Step 3. But do I feel good about myself? Boss "B" asked me today why I was in a good mood when talking to Boss "A" and not with him. My answer she talks to me and you talk at me. Harsh words. He tells me thank you for telling me that. I will fix that. But I feel bad for saying it even though it is the truth. He talks with his back to you as he is walking away. He does not require answers more developed than agreeable sounds with his conclusions. I knew he knew how I felt but with him confirming it I feel disappointment I could not hide my true feelings. It is not necessary for him to know. He his the boss, I am the employee. End of the story. I do as I am told whether I like it or not. I need to learn to separate what I am feeling with what I am speaking. Filter out the annoyance and hatred. And inject light airy tones to my replies, suggestions, answers and questions. Will that make me a better person to be able to ignore what I feel to save the feelings of others? Or will it make me more repressed and fear the volcano that will eventually erupt at the most inopportune moment? Till next time...

Indecision

Plagues me. Everyday. Without fail. Where could I go? What could I do? Could I go? I wish I could. Personal guilt stops me from changing. To not disappoint anyone disappoints me. The one person you actually live your life for. Or should be living your life for. I can barely figure out what to have for lunch let alone what I want to do with my life. My job is my job. Not my profession. Not my career. Not my vocation. Just a job. I know they can find someone to replace me but if I don't actually have a reason to leave I would have to tell the truth to make them understand. And the truth is not pretty. Things happen through the day that reinforce how I feel about them but at the end of the day, even an hour after, I don't remember what brought on those strong feels. Does that mean that I over reacted? I really do not care enough to remember? So should it still bother me even though I only retain the memory of the feeling? Today he made a comment about a cheating husband and a very pregnant wife that made news across the country a few years ago. He said if he had been him he would have done it blah, blah, blah and gotten away with it. Is that really something to talk about? Think about? How inapporpriate to say to anyone let alone one of your customers when it is your reputation that carries your business. I think a lot about the fact that I am associating myself with someone like this. And people might think I think these things. Say these things. Believe these things. Why do I stay? Life is not financially stable at the moment and I can not quit. I have to leave for a better opportunity. But how do I create that? To create that I have to have a plan. To have a plan I have to have an idea of what I want to accomplish. Create. Inspire. Live. Half the battle is knowing what I don't want. And I believe I do know. Maybe the reality of living out your dream is easier than thinking about living out your dream. Because thinking about it is scary. I am not one to fail. I made couscous for dinner and while fluffing it spilled some. My first thought. I ruined it. How ridiculous is that? I fed it to the demon child. No problem but I instantly thought failure. So if I got the courage to live the dream and failed... what would I have left?

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Created by boredom

Created at work while instead of "working" I was messing with my phone. Interesting things it does.

The End.

I hate what I am doing yet I know I cannot go. I gave someone advice today that I should be giving myself. "They will survive without you." I know they will. Fellow employee "A" said today that the office would not run without me. They would not know what to do without me. Boss "B" said Boss "A" would kill me if I quit. They would have to train someone else. Blah blah blah. I know all this but when does my debt end? Can it end? It has to end. I will make it end. I do not owe them my happiness. My life. My future.

"The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." -Abraham Lincoln

Excuses

Today consisted of reading http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/ for hours. Nothing happened. BORING with extra capitalization if at all possible. One dreary moment after the next. Boss "A" does not show up for work today. Her excuse, "I have to get my nail fixed." Seriously? Come on. Question posed to me was am I available in May to housesit/babysit. Well sure I am available but do I want to? NOT AT ALL! I am not sure why though. I am willing to do it for my next door neighbor. Maybe because they are next door and you only have to pack for each night. I am willing to do it for a friend. They are taking a family vacation this June and while the dog could come to my house they have chicks. 24 chicks to be exact as of Saturday. House sitting for them will add twenty minutes and twenty miles to my commute but for some reason this does not bother me in the least. I guess maybe it is because I like her and I do not like Boss "A" and "B" at the moment or have not for a very long while for that matter. Now how to say all that without saying all that to Boss "A".... "Thanks but no thanks." That is not going to work. "I am washing my hair those five days." Don't think that will fly. Back to the tried and true standard called "THE TRUTH". What a concept. Well the truth of the matter is it is not worth the time and effort that I have to put in to it. Demon child takes more brain power out of the house than I care to handle and leaving her means someone else has to pick up the extra slack that is created in my absence. So do I say no to disappoint them or do I say yes to disappoint myself, demon child and the parents? My vote the latter but where will the courage come from? I seem to be fresh out. Another thought is I am making this all up. I love to make excuses for myself. I do it a LOT. I believe I have mastered the art of "excusion". Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Till next time.

"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." -George Washington

YES verses NO

I am overwhelmed with making a decision. Life is made up of decisions. Many small in between bigger ones. Meaningless chooses happen every day. Toast for breakfast or cereal? Black shoes or brown? Hair up or down? That one was a hard decision today. I believe I spent 20 minutes on my hair. Ridiculous. Anyway. Back to the point. I am making myself sick trying to decide. The major question I come back to over and over is should I wait longer? It will still be there in two months so what is the rush? But why not now? I have a sizeable savings for just this decision. Now if I wait is the reason I am putting it off because I can not make a choice or because that is the best answer for me at this moment in my life? If I wait because I can not make a decision I am going to have the same problem later. So I should decide now. End of story. But telling myself that and doing that are two different things. I feel as though I am using people. Wasting their time. What if I make this decision and then regret it? There is no turning back. There is but I cannot look at it that way. Yes or no. Yes meaning forever. No meaning not right now.

Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.
Michael Burke

When does a fantasy become a dream which becomes a dream come true turning into reality?

Question time. Is it utterly ridiculous and sad that I have picked my wedding song? I mean picking a wedding song itself is not ridiculous and smart actually. You want that first dance to be memorable. And you want it to be enjoyable. And you want to be happy with it ten, twenty, fifty years later. So really it is smart. But the real question is is it utterly ridiculous and sad since there is no prospective groom? Getting to the finish line is the quest for life but if you have no idea where the race starts you can never get there, Right? I like to tell myself my goal for life is to marry rich so I can quit my job and live the life I have come accustomed to in my fantasies. But in reality I really just want someone to love and love me back and live a life with. Share a life with. Grow a life with. Be a life with. Being one is great but lonely mostly. To be comfortable with the one you are is a great goal in life. And I think the key to great happiness. There is not one to turn to at the end of the day. Not one to share the quiet of the moment. Not one to see you at your worst and just be. Not one to see you at your best and enjoy along with you. Family is there but sometimes there are words you do not want to share. Friends are there if you have any. Which is probably part of my problem of not having a prospective groom. Not having friends. If you spend your days locked in an office where your only contact with the outside world is through a telephone line or locked inside a house living with your parents and terror you sometimes have to call your dog where the highlight of your day is going to the grocery store it is understandable that you have no friends=no prospective groom=NO LIFE. Remedies to fix this problem are scary but abundant. I have created this cave I live in. I am to blame. But reversing what I have started is no easy feat. It did not take days it took years. I have always been the little scared bird staying close to mama bird. School was a way to get me away from the nest. I spent many a weekend without contact from anyone I knew from school but I was young and I still had my whole life in front of me. Cut to not advancing my education beyond a high school diploma, (which I never picked up and my mother is pissed about), add to that the fact that I did not have a drivers license at the time of graduation and I became a hermit. I told my parents I was only "taking some time" before going to college. The truth was life scared me. Petrified me. I was not comfortable away from home. I never had a dream of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had a dream of which college I wanted to attend. I did not know where to go. It was not a bad situation at home. I did not need college to get me away from it. I really needed college to get me away from me. Now almost eight years after high school and I am almost the same person I was then. I have never stretched my wings. Never even peaked over the side of the nest. I am always looking up. Not forward but up. I am now 25, still living with my parents, have a dog to think about and well... no life to look forward to. I do not know how to move forward. How do you change the person you have ALWAYS been? Life is hard. Everyone has bad things happen to them, good things happen to them. Everyone makes the life they live but... How do they do it? So far everything has pretty much just been handed to me. Not to say I am privileged. I am no where near. But events occurred around me that have propelled me to move. I did not necessarily choose them. I would say they chose me. For the most part they have been good. Some have turned bad. When do I stop letting things happen and make things happen? I kind of feel I keep going it to will "just happen". But to live like that is not smart. Productive. Or healthy. I met someone recently who told me they came to the conclusion within 30 minutes of our acquaintance that it was just going to happen. I would meet someone and know. Just like that. But how does she know? And what is it about me that will attract that person because where I am sitting I do not see much. And if I am not happy with myself why would someone else be? I almost feel like it will just happen but is there something that I can do to push it along? I know times are different know and women at 40, 50 have children. Call me old fashion but I prefer to be young. I guess I always thought growing up it would be just like my parents. Marry young, maybe not 19 and 21 but young, have kids young. Be done with it before I was thirty. I realize know it was just hope. I thought that was the way it worked. I realize now you make it so. When does a fantasy become a dream which becomes a dream come true turning into reality?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGpCbhBdEm8&feature=related

Final verdict.

Been busy lately. Nothing new. Everything the same. How can you make things change? The personal relationships we have with friends and family are they always going to be same? Can they ever change? Are you always going to fight with the same people, butt heads with them? Nothing seems to change with the relationship I have with my father. We never have a joint effort come out without having fought over something during it. I don't really understand why. Is it because I cannot stand that he stands over my shoulder while I do the work and tells me what I am doing wrong? Is it that he asks my opinion just to tell me no he knows better? Probably. Is it because maybe even though I do not want to believe this but we are more a like than different and just cannot not argue? It must be. It has always been like this. He calls me his "buddy". When I was a lazy unemployed slacker I was guilted into helping with projects. I felt that since all I did do all day was sit around watching TV they paid for in the house they paid for eating the food they paid for sitting on the couch they paid for, and so on, that the only way to pay them back was to help out and provide my services free of charge. My mother seems to always get out of helping so it is just me and him. But I dread projects. There is constant fighting and he either storms off or I do. And if it is me he comes to "apologize" to get me back helping. The apology is forced and never what I want. I do not want to help to begin with but even though I am employed now I am still a lazy slacker. I like to watch more than do. Till next time.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a day of sorrow. Let me first say I know a cat is just a cat but when you have known her for 14+ years and have occasionally lived with her it is hard to realize that one day you won't. She is at the vets currently on an extended stay. And I am afraid may not go home. Terrible sight to walk in the room and see her locked in a cage with an IV in her leg. Just heart breaking. Yesterday a friend of my fathers past away. About a month ago he was at the gym in a spa alone and had a heart attack. He was under water for about five minutes and he never woke up. I met him just before Christmas and it is terrible to say but I did not like him. My first impression of him and I did not like him. Then this happens and I felt terrible for feeling that way. My sister called me back yesterday and I asked her how she was and usually when you talk to a person on the phone and you ask them or they ask you it is a standard answer. But not this time. They were both pink slipped yesterday. Then I had to go and ask if you had stayed at your other district do you think you still would have been fired? She thinks she would have been borderline but possibly been spared. It looked like a great opportunity to switch schools but it turned out to be the worst choice for her. So what do you do? If everyone is cutting back I think you have to start thinking of another profession. What is in store for me in the future? If everything and one is going to hell around me what does that mean for me? Means I should stop being selfish and buck up and live with what I have and not hope for better. I have better already. Not everyone does. But writing those things and admitting those things is different than living those things. I can tell myself I am lucky to have this job but really I hate it and don't care if I lost it. Till next time.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC), 'Pro Plancio,' 54 B.C.

Choices

Choices most often for me are hard. Whether we are talking about the menu at a restaurant, what to wear or what to watch. Anything is difficult. I am always afraid of making the wrong choice. Now, choosing steak over chicken is not actually the wrong choice it just might not be what I really wanted but since I could not decide what I really wanted until the wrong thing was chosen it was the wrong choice. But making a choice is incredibly freeing. I bought new accessories for the bathroom, not incredibly exciting but something fun to do, and I decided to paint the bathroom cabinet. And when I was able to narrow my choices down to one light and one dark and then, as of this moment, chose the dark it is kind of freeing. Like I really can do something. Why not paint the bathroom cabinet? I can make a choice. And whatever that choice is it is just paint. I can paint over it.. I tend to let others decide for me. I can narrow choices down but the final pick I have to get everyone's opinion. It is not that I cannot make the decision but I choose to make it more difficult but factoring in everyone's choice. Why I let others decide my life for me is beyond me and something that needs to be changed. I decided to go away and I am do so by myself. Kind of scared. This would be an example of letting others sway my opinion. I changed the final destination. But I am actually happy with the choice. Hopefully the few days of retreat will help to de-stress. I worry too much. Things that bother fester. I need to put it in a box and chuck it after. Living with these tiny petty annoyances only drag me down. The choice I choose is to live life lighter. Till next time.

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999

Life

As we were out for our almost, but should be, daily walk tonight I was thinking about well... Life. I complain to myself about when will it actually start. But I realized it has started. It just is not what I pictured for myself when I was ten, fifteen years old. It is not what I pictured for myself even yesterday. Life alrady started. It started twenty five years ago and it has been living me instead of me living it. Maybe traveling alone will help. A friend suggested I go on a singles cruise. That would be a much too progressive move for me to do especially alone. Maybe just doing things alone will help my growth. I am never alone. I do not have to stand up for myself and learn to survive. Sometimes I think when I actually get there I will be smarter than if I was just thrown into it at a younger age. I may be wise being older. I am probably just lying to myself. Everyone has different life experiences and that is what shapes them to the person they are. They may not like that person but at the end of the day you have yourself and yourself alone to either applaud the person you became or blame yourself. I know there are things that happen to us when young that we did not ask to happen but at some point you can not blame childhood experiences. We have to become repsonsible for ourselves and take ownership of ourselves. You either have to live and forget or live and accept. You cannot live blaming others for your faults for the rest of your life. Till next time. (words to live by)

Forget about forgive and just accept.- Grosse Point Blank

Two sides to one coin

I get into work and I dread it. I say very little unless spoken to and even then I say nothing mostly. I feel miserable. He does not deserve me being rude even as much as I think he does in reality he does not. He just instantly gets on my nerves. Yet when she comes in I talk. Maybe it is a food thing. Or maybe it is half the work day is already over and I survived this long so I express my good cheer by talking to her. I don't know. But it annoys me that I can not separate my feelings from my words. It annoys me that I let it get to me so much that others can tell. I feel like he feels my annoyance and resentment but other times I feel like he is oblivious to anyone but himself. Last week he did not want to go to Costo to buy water so he starts throwing money at me and telling me to get it for him. His OWN PERSONAL DRINKING WATER FOR HIS OWN THIRST AT HIS OWN PERSONAL HOME. He was badgering me for five minutes about it. Originally I refused because why should I have to do it? But then decided I would go and take my time. I stopped for gas on the way back. Decided he can pay for my time filling my own personal car with my own personal gasoline. It used to be I did not mind or rather when she asked me to do something I did not mind. But now I hate it when she asks and instantly get bitchy when he asks. And he throws money at me. Literally. One time he did. I had to pick him up from dropping his truck off and take him home to pick up another vehicle and as he was getting out he pulled out his wallet and threw a five dollar bill at me. He feels, and I have noticed this on several occassions, that you can throw money at a situation to get a favorable result. Which is true. But he feels superior to others because he is the one throwing the money. My life has come down to bitching about a person I do not care to associate myself with. I need to learn to put everything in it's own little box. Keep it there until the appropriate time and not to mix things that do not belong together. Lesson for life. Till next time.

We are not going to Guam, are we? -Frank J. Lapedius

Vacation

My parents are leaving in April for a weeks vacation to Mexico. All inclusive resort all paid for by dad's employer. Last one of its kind. They company was bought by another last year and they have made some changes. One being no more company family trips. So my new idea is to go away at the very same time but by myself. There is a first time for everything. Debating on whether or not to bring the little one. I do have someone that would greatly enjoy having her. And the weather will be better so I would not have to worry about them leaving her outside. And they have a dog so she would have a friend. Leaning towards not taking her. Complicates trying to find a place to stay. Definitely want something within driving distance. No paying for a plane ticket. Since it is less than two months away I should probably get started on picking a destination. The last time I tried to plan a getaway it ended up with me staying at home. My choice though. As of April 3 I have two weeks paid vacation. Hopefully by May I will have less. Till next time.

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. -George Scialabba

Planning ahead

Currently unavailable to post from home. Weird not being connected. When I house sit I am without and it does not bother me so much. But at home it is a strange feeling. At least I will be saving money for the time being. No buying books on amazon right now. Is it crazy to plan for something that may not ever happen? Or at least will not happen until the very, and I mean very, distant future? If you plan ahead when the time comes you can enjoy it more. Live in the moment more. There is less to worry about. Less to prepare for as the event gets closer. Although when there is not concrete evidence it will ever happen spending money is more like spending money on a dream that will never be. Spending money causes many an issue. I am very good at the here and now with buying things for myself. A little there, a little here. What can it hurt? But when it is for something or requires actual thought and/or a significant amount of money I get indecisive. And sometimes regret not making the purchase. But of course after a few days or weeks you forget about what you did not do or get so in the end it was worth saving the money because it did not mean anything to you to begin with. Now does planning for something help it to actually come true? Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sadness is not always portayed as a bad thing. Great things can come from it. Have I experienced them? Probably not. I have lived a very sheltered life up till now. But to feel one you have to feel the other. Otherwise you would never actually appreciate the good. You would not understand what it really meant or felt like. Till next time.

Dreams are wishes. And wishes are dreams you wish to come true.

Worst news.

I received the worst news yesterday. Last September my parents were gracious enough to open our home to their oldest friends who brought their cat along with their weird personalities. I have never really liked the wife. The husband I got along with. But living with people in what becomes extremely close quarters when they are not family, close friends or people you like is kind of hard. First I know my dog is just a dog but she is my dog and this is where we live so if something makes here uncomfortable I don't want to make her do it. Number one Winnie hates strangers. Number Two Winnie hates strangers in her house. Two rules broken there. It took about two days to stop her from barking at them but they really are not dog people. Number three their cat. What a situation that was. Big fat cat that thinks she can go anywhere. Brace yourselves for this one. They put a harness and leash on her and walk her. They do this at home as well. She is an indoor cat so to get outside activity they "walk" her. So we have this cat on a retractable leash in the yard winding herself around everything and making a nusiance of herself. And did I mention she likes to extract herself from the harness? Yes she does. That was interesting. Four it was an uncomfortably hot week in September and they insisted on leaving the windows and door to the spare room closed since the cat can open windows and push screens. And she climbs on top of everything so to keep her out of mischeif they shut her in the room. Between the cat and the husband that room smelled to unbelievably horrible I cannot explain it. and it was afurnace in there. To get back to them they turned strange. But maybe they were always this strange and we never knew because we were never forced to LIVE with them. It was a week of hell. We all hated it. And my dad who never likes to say bad things about people even admitted he could not wait for them to leave and never knew how strange the wife was. They never paid for anything. They did not offer to pay for food. Never offered any money to thank us for letting them stay here. Said more than once they were going to make dinner one night but guess what? It NEVER happened. So we are working all day and then come home and clean up and feed them. They only left the house during the day when we were all at work so no free time for us. It was like living hell. We were so happy when they finally left. We finally had "family" time. The last night they were here we went to dinner, their decision, and guess who paid? Thats right. NOT them. Now back to last night. The husband called and left a message asking for a call back that night. My lovely mother called them back because the tone of voice on the answer machine sounded surgent. It was urgent. They dropped a bomb. One they are moving back to California. Yeah!!! So extremely not. Two they are coming out in April and would like to stay here again. So my mother says "Uhh... Okay. But no cat this time." Which she hoped would be a deal breaker and guess what the response was, "That's okay. We were not planning on bringing her." Great. I know she was in a hard situation and my dad would have said the same thing BUT..... we barely survived the first time. This house is small for us and adding two more adults makes it unbarable. I leave my dog at home every day and since they will probably be here during the day that is like asking them to watch her. I do not want them watching my dog. Again she is a dog but she is my dog and I do not choose to leave her with just anyone. It is just a scary thought. Having guests just interrupts your life more than is acceptable. Two/three days may be acceptable. But an enitre week? Maybe over a week if they plan to stay weekend to weekend. We either have to come up with a lie or my dad is going to have to say the truth. No. We can not have you stay here. The house is too small. It was awkward last time and uncomfortable. Too much going on in our lives to handle two more people. Probably will not happen. I was freaking out last night because I was afraid it would happen. I don't know if I can handle it. I am being selfish here. I do not want my life interrupted. I do not want to have to change my life for a week for someone else's guest. Till next time.

After three days guests, like fish, begin to stink and you have to through them out.

Nothing Changes

Everything is the same. ALWAYS. Nothing ever changes. It feels like it could or did but then something happens that makes you realize it is just the way it always used to be. Are we doomed to live the same thing over and over again? Can we never learn from our mistakes? And if we can learn how do we learn? How do we move on? Till next time.

Perfection is attained by slow degrees, it requires the hand of time.
— Voltaire

Work

What is it about eevery morning. I t feels like today could be the day. It could be different. But you wake at the same time. You shower. You dress. Do your hair. Eat breakfast. Drive to work. Seems like this is what I did yesterday. Then work itself is the same. Walk in. Start your computer. Wish your boss was not there. You are happy he is on the phone because saying good morning takes more out of you than you can give right now. And then the real work begins because boss #2 has decided after telling you yesterday she would be there today that she needs more space and quiet to complete her work. Well her "work" is her personal taxes. Nothing to do with the company. side note: why do I have to file their personal financial statements? why do I need to know how much they made/lost the previous month? highly irritates me to no end. So I have to get the infor for boss #1. Not easy to do since I have never done it before and boss #2 doesn't really explain it. On to the next project where SM tells me it will be the last invoice and guess what another shows up after I tell the PM to tell the owner there will be no more. Probably twenty minutes were spent on the phone with SM explaining why after promising me it was the last it actually wasn't. Now telling PM that they have to tell the owner I "lied" was fun. Back to SM trying to get a guarantee in writing took all day and I still do not have it. Only one person can help and she was doing payroll today and could not be interrupted. That is my dream. To do payroll straight through without any botherings. So I wait to call and guess what she is out to lunch now. So I wait again and guess what? She does not answer. I leave a voicemail and of course I do not hear back before I leave for the day. Speaking of leaving for the day. I took my 15 while taking the mail this afternoon and upon my return I found an empty office only after answering the phone and putting someone on hold thinking boss #1 was still there. Ridiculous how he does that. Long story longer work day sucked. Still hate boss. Still wish to quit. Till next time.

Those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it.
— Jean Jacques Rousseau

Sprinkles

At a crossroads. I race to make it on time since the sky has been looking about to open up wide and fierce a very long time. I decide to chance it. Who knows maybe luck is on my side today after all. The first step in the open and we feel the rain drop. The air is cold and windy. The sky is getting darker. After turning the first corner we have resolved ourselves to walking in the sprinkles with a high probability of not making it before the sky opens up. We reach the crossroad, literally I am speaking here, where we can turn around or keep going and there is someone crossing infront of us. Now should I do the polite thing and let them pass first or be rude BUT save myself the trouble of being stuck behind them with a dog that hates people being too close. Decision time. I do the right thing. I let them pass. Realizing now the smart thing would have been to go first and power walk my way through the rain. I close my eyes, mentally cross my fingers they cross at the next intersection. Luck is on my side. By now there is no chance of making it home dry. The sprinkles are harder, my hood goes up and I tell her "Good girl. Good girl". She turns as if to say "Your idea.". But was it my idea? Yes I need it but she needs it more. Dilema time. The reason she needs it is she is home ALL day long. The reason she is home ALL day long is I refuse to bring her to work. The reason I refuse to bring her to work is it is too stressful for me. The reason it is too stressful for me is she is not trained. The reason she is not trained is.... Why is that? Laziness?, Procrastination?, Failure?, Drive? I told myself I would do it but in the end I broke the promise I made to myself and to her. And that reflects my character. I back out when things get tough. Something to work on. Till next time. Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

The dream of life is almost always unattainable. But to live without a dream is quite un-dreamable. If I did not dream I never would have survived my almost five years of nonexistence. And after those five years life was still nonexistent but for the ridiculously thankful job which has now turned into the hell of my life. My dream is now my nightmare. The job itself was not the dream but the life it was suppose to bring. Responsiblity is a natural dream killer. Those dreams that got me through the 1,825 days and nights have now disappeared. Can I not remember them or has my unfailing unhappiness clouded over them? Or were they dreams of a child and now having grown up a bit over the last 1,065 days shown their true colors of moronic childish dreams? When do dreams become dreams and just dreams? Should you know at first dream? Or is dreaming about a dream that will never be the best there is because you are always looking and working towards something and those days when you feel as though you can not go on but you do go on it is there to guide you? I am trying to capture the "zen" inside me these days. Counting to ten is a very helpful technique that I need to depend on more often. My answers are more non-answers. I keep my lips together to stop myself from saying the worst. I have a dialogue running constantly inside of the things I wish I could say but know I never will. Some are pretty well thought out that I replay over and over. Others are spure of the moment and only ment to make myself feel better. (sometimes more helpful than counting.) Until the next dream...

So today would be one of those days you wished you lived alone. Or at least away from your parents. 1. Parent A is in a foul mood because of god knows what so anything you say to Parent A is taken incorrectly and you are harassed for it. 2. Parent B has taken offense to Parent A and is now most likely feeling belittled due to Parent A's need to talk down to you when they are in a bad mood and want to feel superior. Which the want of feeling superior supercedes whatever mood Parent A is in. 3. The devil has struck again. The "devil", who will remain nameless, does not take to authority all that well. And I do admit it is my fault. I created this devil and wish I could undo it. I could but it will take more time and effort than I want to give it. I make excuses all the time why the "devil" is the devil. Bottom line. I need to wake up and smell the burning flesh. Because little by little I am burning away and soon there will be nothing left. Hopefully that day never comes. I am afraid to think of the consequences of my actions if that day comes because I and I alone are only to blame. Till tomorrow where the buck stops here.

So... Buying a house. To do or not to do. To do 1. Get to move out. After 25 years I think I deserve some real alone time. 2. What a great start to getting on with my life. Would this propel me into getting a new job or would it hold me back since I would then have the responsibility of a monthly mortgage? That would suck since my new current dream is telling them to go frick themselves and walk out. What a dream. Seriously have had that dream a few times. 3. I am young and starting now would be the best idea. I can move up in a few years and hopefully after 10, 15 years I would be in the place of my dreams. And designing kind of makes me happy. I have ideas but since I am regulated into one room plus bathroom there really is not a lot of room to spread my style. Food for thought. Pool or no pool?

First time for everything. Here goes. Asking me to get directions to an onsite meeting is getting on my nerves. I mean what did you do before I was there? Because you certainly did not use the computer yourself. Talking politics... I cannot stand it at all. I am positive 100% that we agree on nothing the same. Other than we would have to agree to disagree. I say on the phone, "No we are not hiring.", hang up and he asks, "Who was that?" Hello!!?!?!?!? Who do you think it was? The continual clearing of the throat/humming/moaning/grunting, (only way to explain it without hearing it live), cannot fricking stand it! I know it is all little stuff but isn't the most important stuff the "little" stuff? Life seems to be a continual bag of shit. Sometimes you get clean and stay clean and others... well it stays shitty. Shitty is my current description of life. Till the next time. Stay clean in the mean time.