Indecision

Plagues me. Everyday. Without fail. Where could I go? What could I do? Could I go? I wish I could. Personal guilt stops me from changing. To not disappoint anyone disappoints me. The one person you actually live your life for. Or should be living your life for. I can barely figure out what to have for lunch let alone what I want to do with my life. My job is my job. Not my profession. Not my career. Not my vocation. Just a job. I know they can find someone to replace me but if I don't actually have a reason to leave I would have to tell the truth to make them understand. And the truth is not pretty. Things happen through the day that reinforce how I feel about them but at the end of the day, even an hour after, I don't remember what brought on those strong feels. Does that mean that I over reacted? I really do not care enough to remember? So should it still bother me even though I only retain the memory of the feeling? Today he made a comment about a cheating husband and a very pregnant wife that made news across the country a few years ago. He said if he had been him he would have done it blah, blah, blah and gotten away with it. Is that really something to talk about? Think about? How inapporpriate to say to anyone let alone one of your customers when it is your reputation that carries your business. I think a lot about the fact that I am associating myself with someone like this. And people might think I think these things. Say these things. Believe these things. Why do I stay? Life is not financially stable at the moment and I can not quit. I have to leave for a better opportunity. But how do I create that? To create that I have to have a plan. To have a plan I have to have an idea of what I want to accomplish. Create. Inspire. Live. Half the battle is knowing what I don't want. And I believe I do know. Maybe the reality of living out your dream is easier than thinking about living out your dream. Because thinking about it is scary. I am not one to fail. I made couscous for dinner and while fluffing it spilled some. My first thought. I ruined it. How ridiculous is that? I fed it to the demon child. No problem but I instantly thought failure. So if I got the courage to live the dream and failed... what would I have left?

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt