1. My job.
2. My habitual spending.
3. My lack of exercising.
4. My constant yelling.
5. My continual belittling of my mother.
These are the things I burned before the new year began. These are the things I want to let go of in the new year. New year. Can you believe? Unfortunately the new year came a bit too soon. I gave my self January as my deadline I believe in Spring/Summer for getting a new job. Obviously I did nothing to make that happen. Hopefully I can make it happen sometime this year. I have pledged to not spend more than the $600 that is in my checking currently for this month. Since I pledged this to myself there is no penalty for not complying other than knowing I did not live up to my goal. I figure if I attack it one month at a time I might start saving more than I have in the recent past since making my vehicle purchase. And by saving I might be able to have more to my name than a car and a dog. Maybe a house some time in the future. Or not. Seeing as if I had a house I would really never be able to leave this dead end job. I have already started repairing my exercise regime. I have Wii Fitted my nights the last three nights. Kind of fun. Each morning I think I am going to wake up sore and not be able to Wii Fit it the next night but no I live to Wii fit it another day. I tend to raise my voice without knowing I am raising my voice until after having raised my voice. It instantly pisses me off when people shush me. I think I am embarrassed that I raise my voice and that is why shushing is not one of my favorite things. I think I raise my voice so people will listen to me. I yell because I am mad, annoyed, frustrated, etc. but I do not need to yell to get my point, view, etc to others. I tend to talk over my mother. I tend to tell her she is wrong. I tend to correct her in front of others. I don’t know why. I don’t know I am doing it until I see the look on her face. I do not want to hurt her feelings. I do not want to make her feel stupid. someone told me I do this. And has repeatedly told me I do this. My mother has told me I do this. I do not feel good after I have done it but it escapes before I realize it has been verbalized.
2009 brought little new to my life. I bought a vehicle. But that is not very exciting for long. I went on my first solo road trip. Highly enjoyed. Ditched my hairstylist without notice for a new one that I am not sure is any better but … Started walking my dog regularly until October hit and got in the way. I felt good about myself then. It’s very harmonizing to walk alone. With just your thoughts to center. It releases tension and panic and frustration and mental exhaustion that otherwise would have settled in my shoulders and festered and grown until I would have had to explode on someone or thing that had nothing to do with it. There were days were I could not wait to get home or was sorry to see our corner for the walk was moments from being over. I feel I have not changed from 2008 to 2009. I feel the days, weeks, months, years of my life are being wasted on doing, saying, being the same things and one day I will wake up and everything will be the same except there is no time left to change.
Resolutions always fail. You never live up to your own expectations for the new year. I feel if I try a little at a time maybe, just maybe I can fix what is wrong with me. I might accomplish something noteworthy for 2010. Till next time.
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.
-Oprah Winfrey
