Excuses

Today consisted of reading http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/ for hours. Nothing happened. BORING with extra capitalization if at all possible. One dreary moment after the next. Boss "A" does not show up for work today. Her excuse, "I have to get my nail fixed." Seriously? Come on. Question posed to me was am I available in May to housesit/babysit. Well sure I am available but do I want to? NOT AT ALL! I am not sure why though. I am willing to do it for my next door neighbor. Maybe because they are next door and you only have to pack for each night. I am willing to do it for a friend. They are taking a family vacation this June and while the dog could come to my house they have chicks. 24 chicks to be exact as of Saturday. House sitting for them will add twenty minutes and twenty miles to my commute but for some reason this does not bother me in the least. I guess maybe it is because I like her and I do not like Boss "A" and "B" at the moment or have not for a very long while for that matter. Now how to say all that without saying all that to Boss "A".... "Thanks but no thanks." That is not going to work. "I am washing my hair those five days." Don't think that will fly. Back to the tried and true standard called "THE TRUTH". What a concept. Well the truth of the matter is it is not worth the time and effort that I have to put in to it. Demon child takes more brain power out of the house than I care to handle and leaving her means someone else has to pick up the extra slack that is created in my absence. So do I say no to disappoint them or do I say yes to disappoint myself, demon child and the parents? My vote the latter but where will the courage come from? I seem to be fresh out. Another thought is I am making this all up. I love to make excuses for myself. I do it a LOT. I believe I have mastered the art of "excusion". Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Till next time.

"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." -George Washington

YES verses NO

I am overwhelmed with making a decision. Life is made up of decisions. Many small in between bigger ones. Meaningless chooses happen every day. Toast for breakfast or cereal? Black shoes or brown? Hair up or down? That one was a hard decision today. I believe I spent 20 minutes on my hair. Ridiculous. Anyway. Back to the point. I am making myself sick trying to decide. The major question I come back to over and over is should I wait longer? It will still be there in two months so what is the rush? But why not now? I have a sizeable savings for just this decision. Now if I wait is the reason I am putting it off because I can not make a choice or because that is the best answer for me at this moment in my life? If I wait because I can not make a decision I am going to have the same problem later. So I should decide now. End of story. But telling myself that and doing that are two different things. I feel as though I am using people. Wasting their time. What if I make this decision and then regret it? There is no turning back. There is but I cannot look at it that way. Yes or no. Yes meaning forever. No meaning not right now.

Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.
Michael Burke

When does a fantasy become a dream which becomes a dream come true turning into reality?

Question time. Is it utterly ridiculous and sad that I have picked my wedding song? I mean picking a wedding song itself is not ridiculous and smart actually. You want that first dance to be memorable. And you want it to be enjoyable. And you want to be happy with it ten, twenty, fifty years later. So really it is smart. But the real question is is it utterly ridiculous and sad since there is no prospective groom? Getting to the finish line is the quest for life but if you have no idea where the race starts you can never get there, Right? I like to tell myself my goal for life is to marry rich so I can quit my job and live the life I have come accustomed to in my fantasies. But in reality I really just want someone to love and love me back and live a life with. Share a life with. Grow a life with. Be a life with. Being one is great but lonely mostly. To be comfortable with the one you are is a great goal in life. And I think the key to great happiness. There is not one to turn to at the end of the day. Not one to share the quiet of the moment. Not one to see you at your worst and just be. Not one to see you at your best and enjoy along with you. Family is there but sometimes there are words you do not want to share. Friends are there if you have any. Which is probably part of my problem of not having a prospective groom. Not having friends. If you spend your days locked in an office where your only contact with the outside world is through a telephone line or locked inside a house living with your parents and terror you sometimes have to call your dog where the highlight of your day is going to the grocery store it is understandable that you have no friends=no prospective groom=NO LIFE. Remedies to fix this problem are scary but abundant. I have created this cave I live in. I am to blame. But reversing what I have started is no easy feat. It did not take days it took years. I have always been the little scared bird staying close to mama bird. School was a way to get me away from the nest. I spent many a weekend without contact from anyone I knew from school but I was young and I still had my whole life in front of me. Cut to not advancing my education beyond a high school diploma, (which I never picked up and my mother is pissed about), add to that the fact that I did not have a drivers license at the time of graduation and I became a hermit. I told my parents I was only "taking some time" before going to college. The truth was life scared me. Petrified me. I was not comfortable away from home. I never had a dream of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never had a dream of which college I wanted to attend. I did not know where to go. It was not a bad situation at home. I did not need college to get me away from it. I really needed college to get me away from me. Now almost eight years after high school and I am almost the same person I was then. I have never stretched my wings. Never even peaked over the side of the nest. I am always looking up. Not forward but up. I am now 25, still living with my parents, have a dog to think about and well... no life to look forward to. I do not know how to move forward. How do you change the person you have ALWAYS been? Life is hard. Everyone has bad things happen to them, good things happen to them. Everyone makes the life they live but... How do they do it? So far everything has pretty much just been handed to me. Not to say I am privileged. I am no where near. But events occurred around me that have propelled me to move. I did not necessarily choose them. I would say they chose me. For the most part they have been good. Some have turned bad. When do I stop letting things happen and make things happen? I kind of feel I keep going it to will "just happen". But to live like that is not smart. Productive. Or healthy. I met someone recently who told me they came to the conclusion within 30 minutes of our acquaintance that it was just going to happen. I would meet someone and know. Just like that. But how does she know? And what is it about me that will attract that person because where I am sitting I do not see much. And if I am not happy with myself why would someone else be? I almost feel like it will just happen but is there something that I can do to push it along? I know times are different know and women at 40, 50 have children. Call me old fashion but I prefer to be young. I guess I always thought growing up it would be just like my parents. Marry young, maybe not 19 and 21 but young, have kids young. Be done with it before I was thirty. I realize know it was just hope. I thought that was the way it worked. I realize now you make it so. When does a fantasy become a dream which becomes a dream come true turning into reality?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGpCbhBdEm8&feature=related

Final verdict.

Been busy lately. Nothing new. Everything the same. How can you make things change? The personal relationships we have with friends and family are they always going to be same? Can they ever change? Are you always going to fight with the same people, butt heads with them? Nothing seems to change with the relationship I have with my father. We never have a joint effort come out without having fought over something during it. I don't really understand why. Is it because I cannot stand that he stands over my shoulder while I do the work and tells me what I am doing wrong? Is it that he asks my opinion just to tell me no he knows better? Probably. Is it because maybe even though I do not want to believe this but we are more a like than different and just cannot not argue? It must be. It has always been like this. He calls me his "buddy". When I was a lazy unemployed slacker I was guilted into helping with projects. I felt that since all I did do all day was sit around watching TV they paid for in the house they paid for eating the food they paid for sitting on the couch they paid for, and so on, that the only way to pay them back was to help out and provide my services free of charge. My mother seems to always get out of helping so it is just me and him. But I dread projects. There is constant fighting and he either storms off or I do. And if it is me he comes to "apologize" to get me back helping. The apology is forced and never what I want. I do not want to help to begin with but even though I am employed now I am still a lazy slacker. I like to watch more than do. Till next time.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a day of sorrow. Let me first say I know a cat is just a cat but when you have known her for 14+ years and have occasionally lived with her it is hard to realize that one day you won't. She is at the vets currently on an extended stay. And I am afraid may not go home. Terrible sight to walk in the room and see her locked in a cage with an IV in her leg. Just heart breaking. Yesterday a friend of my fathers past away. About a month ago he was at the gym in a spa alone and had a heart attack. He was under water for about five minutes and he never woke up. I met him just before Christmas and it is terrible to say but I did not like him. My first impression of him and I did not like him. Then this happens and I felt terrible for feeling that way. My sister called me back yesterday and I asked her how she was and usually when you talk to a person on the phone and you ask them or they ask you it is a standard answer. But not this time. They were both pink slipped yesterday. Then I had to go and ask if you had stayed at your other district do you think you still would have been fired? She thinks she would have been borderline but possibly been spared. It looked like a great opportunity to switch schools but it turned out to be the worst choice for her. So what do you do? If everyone is cutting back I think you have to start thinking of another profession. What is in store for me in the future? If everything and one is going to hell around me what does that mean for me? Means I should stop being selfish and buck up and live with what I have and not hope for better. I have better already. Not everyone does. But writing those things and admitting those things is different than living those things. I can tell myself I am lucky to have this job but really I hate it and don't care if I lost it. Till next time.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC), 'Pro Plancio,' 54 B.C.

Choices

Choices most often for me are hard. Whether we are talking about the menu at a restaurant, what to wear or what to watch. Anything is difficult. I am always afraid of making the wrong choice. Now, choosing steak over chicken is not actually the wrong choice it just might not be what I really wanted but since I could not decide what I really wanted until the wrong thing was chosen it was the wrong choice. But making a choice is incredibly freeing. I bought new accessories for the bathroom, not incredibly exciting but something fun to do, and I decided to paint the bathroom cabinet. And when I was able to narrow my choices down to one light and one dark and then, as of this moment, chose the dark it is kind of freeing. Like I really can do something. Why not paint the bathroom cabinet? I can make a choice. And whatever that choice is it is just paint. I can paint over it.. I tend to let others decide for me. I can narrow choices down but the final pick I have to get everyone's opinion. It is not that I cannot make the decision but I choose to make it more difficult but factoring in everyone's choice. Why I let others decide my life for me is beyond me and something that needs to be changed. I decided to go away and I am do so by myself. Kind of scared. This would be an example of letting others sway my opinion. I changed the final destination. But I am actually happy with the choice. Hopefully the few days of retreat will help to de-stress. I worry too much. Things that bother fester. I need to put it in a box and chuck it after. Living with these tiny petty annoyances only drag me down. The choice I choose is to live life lighter. Till next time.

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999