Life

As we were out for our almost, but should be, daily walk tonight I was thinking about well... Life. I complain to myself about when will it actually start. But I realized it has started. It just is not what I pictured for myself when I was ten, fifteen years old. It is not what I pictured for myself even yesterday. Life alrady started. It started twenty five years ago and it has been living me instead of me living it. Maybe traveling alone will help. A friend suggested I go on a singles cruise. That would be a much too progressive move for me to do especially alone. Maybe just doing things alone will help my growth. I am never alone. I do not have to stand up for myself and learn to survive. Sometimes I think when I actually get there I will be smarter than if I was just thrown into it at a younger age. I may be wise being older. I am probably just lying to myself. Everyone has different life experiences and that is what shapes them to the person they are. They may not like that person but at the end of the day you have yourself and yourself alone to either applaud the person you became or blame yourself. I know there are things that happen to us when young that we did not ask to happen but at some point you can not blame childhood experiences. We have to become repsonsible for ourselves and take ownership of ourselves. You either have to live and forget or live and accept. You cannot live blaming others for your faults for the rest of your life. Till next time. (words to live by)

Forget about forgive and just accept.- Grosse Point Blank

Two sides to one coin

I get into work and I dread it. I say very little unless spoken to and even then I say nothing mostly. I feel miserable. He does not deserve me being rude even as much as I think he does in reality he does not. He just instantly gets on my nerves. Yet when she comes in I talk. Maybe it is a food thing. Or maybe it is half the work day is already over and I survived this long so I express my good cheer by talking to her. I don't know. But it annoys me that I can not separate my feelings from my words. It annoys me that I let it get to me so much that others can tell. I feel like he feels my annoyance and resentment but other times I feel like he is oblivious to anyone but himself. Last week he did not want to go to Costo to buy water so he starts throwing money at me and telling me to get it for him. His OWN PERSONAL DRINKING WATER FOR HIS OWN THIRST AT HIS OWN PERSONAL HOME. He was badgering me for five minutes about it. Originally I refused because why should I have to do it? But then decided I would go and take my time. I stopped for gas on the way back. Decided he can pay for my time filling my own personal car with my own personal gasoline. It used to be I did not mind or rather when she asked me to do something I did not mind. But now I hate it when she asks and instantly get bitchy when he asks. And he throws money at me. Literally. One time he did. I had to pick him up from dropping his truck off and take him home to pick up another vehicle and as he was getting out he pulled out his wallet and threw a five dollar bill at me. He feels, and I have noticed this on several occassions, that you can throw money at a situation to get a favorable result. Which is true. But he feels superior to others because he is the one throwing the money. My life has come down to bitching about a person I do not care to associate myself with. I need to learn to put everything in it's own little box. Keep it there until the appropriate time and not to mix things that do not belong together. Lesson for life. Till next time.

We are not going to Guam, are we? -Frank J. Lapedius

Vacation

My parents are leaving in April for a weeks vacation to Mexico. All inclusive resort all paid for by dad's employer. Last one of its kind. They company was bought by another last year and they have made some changes. One being no more company family trips. So my new idea is to go away at the very same time but by myself. There is a first time for everything. Debating on whether or not to bring the little one. I do have someone that would greatly enjoy having her. And the weather will be better so I would not have to worry about them leaving her outside. And they have a dog so she would have a friend. Leaning towards not taking her. Complicates trying to find a place to stay. Definitely want something within driving distance. No paying for a plane ticket. Since it is less than two months away I should probably get started on picking a destination. The last time I tried to plan a getaway it ended up with me staying at home. My choice though. As of April 3 I have two weeks paid vacation. Hopefully by May I will have less. Till next time.

Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun. -George Scialabba

Planning ahead

Currently unavailable to post from home. Weird not being connected. When I house sit I am without and it does not bother me so much. But at home it is a strange feeling. At least I will be saving money for the time being. No buying books on amazon right now. Is it crazy to plan for something that may not ever happen? Or at least will not happen until the very, and I mean very, distant future? If you plan ahead when the time comes you can enjoy it more. Live in the moment more. There is less to worry about. Less to prepare for as the event gets closer. Although when there is not concrete evidence it will ever happen spending money is more like spending money on a dream that will never be. Spending money causes many an issue. I am very good at the here and now with buying things for myself. A little there, a little here. What can it hurt? But when it is for something or requires actual thought and/or a significant amount of money I get indecisive. And sometimes regret not making the purchase. But of course after a few days or weeks you forget about what you did not do or get so in the end it was worth saving the money because it did not mean anything to you to begin with. Now does planning for something help it to actually come true? Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sadness is not always portayed as a bad thing. Great things can come from it. Have I experienced them? Probably not. I have lived a very sheltered life up till now. But to feel one you have to feel the other. Otherwise you would never actually appreciate the good. You would not understand what it really meant or felt like. Till next time.

Dreams are wishes. And wishes are dreams you wish to come true.

Worst news.

I received the worst news yesterday. Last September my parents were gracious enough to open our home to their oldest friends who brought their cat along with their weird personalities. I have never really liked the wife. The husband I got along with. But living with people in what becomes extremely close quarters when they are not family, close friends or people you like is kind of hard. First I know my dog is just a dog but she is my dog and this is where we live so if something makes here uncomfortable I don't want to make her do it. Number one Winnie hates strangers. Number Two Winnie hates strangers in her house. Two rules broken there. It took about two days to stop her from barking at them but they really are not dog people. Number three their cat. What a situation that was. Big fat cat that thinks she can go anywhere. Brace yourselves for this one. They put a harness and leash on her and walk her. They do this at home as well. She is an indoor cat so to get outside activity they "walk" her. So we have this cat on a retractable leash in the yard winding herself around everything and making a nusiance of herself. And did I mention she likes to extract herself from the harness? Yes she does. That was interesting. Four it was an uncomfortably hot week in September and they insisted on leaving the windows and door to the spare room closed since the cat can open windows and push screens. And she climbs on top of everything so to keep her out of mischeif they shut her in the room. Between the cat and the husband that room smelled to unbelievably horrible I cannot explain it. and it was afurnace in there. To get back to them they turned strange. But maybe they were always this strange and we never knew because we were never forced to LIVE with them. It was a week of hell. We all hated it. And my dad who never likes to say bad things about people even admitted he could not wait for them to leave and never knew how strange the wife was. They never paid for anything. They did not offer to pay for food. Never offered any money to thank us for letting them stay here. Said more than once they were going to make dinner one night but guess what? It NEVER happened. So we are working all day and then come home and clean up and feed them. They only left the house during the day when we were all at work so no free time for us. It was like living hell. We were so happy when they finally left. We finally had "family" time. The last night they were here we went to dinner, their decision, and guess who paid? Thats right. NOT them. Now back to last night. The husband called and left a message asking for a call back that night. My lovely mother called them back because the tone of voice on the answer machine sounded surgent. It was urgent. They dropped a bomb. One they are moving back to California. Yeah!!! So extremely not. Two they are coming out in April and would like to stay here again. So my mother says "Uhh... Okay. But no cat this time." Which she hoped would be a deal breaker and guess what the response was, "That's okay. We were not planning on bringing her." Great. I know she was in a hard situation and my dad would have said the same thing BUT..... we barely survived the first time. This house is small for us and adding two more adults makes it unbarable. I leave my dog at home every day and since they will probably be here during the day that is like asking them to watch her. I do not want them watching my dog. Again she is a dog but she is my dog and I do not choose to leave her with just anyone. It is just a scary thought. Having guests just interrupts your life more than is acceptable. Two/three days may be acceptable. But an enitre week? Maybe over a week if they plan to stay weekend to weekend. We either have to come up with a lie or my dad is going to have to say the truth. No. We can not have you stay here. The house is too small. It was awkward last time and uncomfortable. Too much going on in our lives to handle two more people. Probably will not happen. I was freaking out last night because I was afraid it would happen. I don't know if I can handle it. I am being selfish here. I do not want my life interrupted. I do not want to have to change my life for a week for someone else's guest. Till next time.

After three days guests, like fish, begin to stink and you have to through them out.

Nothing Changes

Everything is the same. ALWAYS. Nothing ever changes. It feels like it could or did but then something happens that makes you realize it is just the way it always used to be. Are we doomed to live the same thing over and over again? Can we never learn from our mistakes? And if we can learn how do we learn? How do we move on? Till next time.

Perfection is attained by slow degrees, it requires the hand of time.
— Voltaire

Work

What is it about eevery morning. I t feels like today could be the day. It could be different. But you wake at the same time. You shower. You dress. Do your hair. Eat breakfast. Drive to work. Seems like this is what I did yesterday. Then work itself is the same. Walk in. Start your computer. Wish your boss was not there. You are happy he is on the phone because saying good morning takes more out of you than you can give right now. And then the real work begins because boss #2 has decided after telling you yesterday she would be there today that she needs more space and quiet to complete her work. Well her "work" is her personal taxes. Nothing to do with the company. side note: why do I have to file their personal financial statements? why do I need to know how much they made/lost the previous month? highly irritates me to no end. So I have to get the infor for boss #1. Not easy to do since I have never done it before and boss #2 doesn't really explain it. On to the next project where SM tells me it will be the last invoice and guess what another shows up after I tell the PM to tell the owner there will be no more. Probably twenty minutes were spent on the phone with SM explaining why after promising me it was the last it actually wasn't. Now telling PM that they have to tell the owner I "lied" was fun. Back to SM trying to get a guarantee in writing took all day and I still do not have it. Only one person can help and she was doing payroll today and could not be interrupted. That is my dream. To do payroll straight through without any botherings. So I wait to call and guess what she is out to lunch now. So I wait again and guess what? She does not answer. I leave a voicemail and of course I do not hear back before I leave for the day. Speaking of leaving for the day. I took my 15 while taking the mail this afternoon and upon my return I found an empty office only after answering the phone and putting someone on hold thinking boss #1 was still there. Ridiculous how he does that. Long story longer work day sucked. Still hate boss. Still wish to quit. Till next time.

Those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it.
— Jean Jacques Rousseau

Sprinkles

At a crossroads. I race to make it on time since the sky has been looking about to open up wide and fierce a very long time. I decide to chance it. Who knows maybe luck is on my side today after all. The first step in the open and we feel the rain drop. The air is cold and windy. The sky is getting darker. After turning the first corner we have resolved ourselves to walking in the sprinkles with a high probability of not making it before the sky opens up. We reach the crossroad, literally I am speaking here, where we can turn around or keep going and there is someone crossing infront of us. Now should I do the polite thing and let them pass first or be rude BUT save myself the trouble of being stuck behind them with a dog that hates people being too close. Decision time. I do the right thing. I let them pass. Realizing now the smart thing would have been to go first and power walk my way through the rain. I close my eyes, mentally cross my fingers they cross at the next intersection. Luck is on my side. By now there is no chance of making it home dry. The sprinkles are harder, my hood goes up and I tell her "Good girl. Good girl". She turns as if to say "Your idea.". But was it my idea? Yes I need it but she needs it more. Dilema time. The reason she needs it is she is home ALL day long. The reason she is home ALL day long is I refuse to bring her to work. The reason I refuse to bring her to work is it is too stressful for me. The reason it is too stressful for me is she is not trained. The reason she is not trained is.... Why is that? Laziness?, Procrastination?, Failure?, Drive? I told myself I would do it but in the end I broke the promise I made to myself and to her. And that reflects my character. I back out when things get tough. Something to work on. Till next time. Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

The dream of life is almost always unattainable. But to live without a dream is quite un-dreamable. If I did not dream I never would have survived my almost five years of nonexistence. And after those five years life was still nonexistent but for the ridiculously thankful job which has now turned into the hell of my life. My dream is now my nightmare. The job itself was not the dream but the life it was suppose to bring. Responsiblity is a natural dream killer. Those dreams that got me through the 1,825 days and nights have now disappeared. Can I not remember them or has my unfailing unhappiness clouded over them? Or were they dreams of a child and now having grown up a bit over the last 1,065 days shown their true colors of moronic childish dreams? When do dreams become dreams and just dreams? Should you know at first dream? Or is dreaming about a dream that will never be the best there is because you are always looking and working towards something and those days when you feel as though you can not go on but you do go on it is there to guide you? I am trying to capture the "zen" inside me these days. Counting to ten is a very helpful technique that I need to depend on more often. My answers are more non-answers. I keep my lips together to stop myself from saying the worst. I have a dialogue running constantly inside of the things I wish I could say but know I never will. Some are pretty well thought out that I replay over and over. Others are spure of the moment and only ment to make myself feel better. (sometimes more helpful than counting.) Until the next dream...