Ridiculously ungrateful

I know how this sounds. I know this makes me a bitch. I know this is the last thing I should be obsessing over. For Administrative Assistants Day, (also known as Secretary's Day for those of you who still call it that mainly Boss "B".), I got two tickets to a Giants game. Stupidly Boss "A" gave me the receipt because she used the company card but guess what? She never did. So I never actually needed to see the receipt and know how much they paid. I almost think she did it on purpose because right around that time she decided to stop using the company card for business or personal. So I almost think it was her strategy to "show" me how much they supposedly appreciate what I do.

Here is where it gets ridiculous. I don't want the tickets. I don't want to feel as if I owe them anything other than showing up Mon thru Fri and putting in my 7.5 hrs each day to get my paycheck every Friday. I shouldn't have to owe them anything. It does not make me feel as though I am appreciated because they spent $500 on an appreciation gift.

Around the same time that I was given this "gift" I got into a minor incident will driving my personal vehicle for business reasons. Now the law says the company is responsible whether I, the driver, was the responsible party causing the incident or not. But I was straight up told to, "Go !uck myself." Okay those exact words were not actually spoken to me but I am pretty sure they were thought. Which was also around the same time I took a few personal vacation days to rehabilitate my sister after she had foot surgery. I had to ask for at least one more day on top of my three days already scheduled because there was much more pain involved in the whole thing than originally anticipated and she needed additional help. But to get even the one extra day that I did get was like pulling teeth. When I did return that Friday Boss "B" had to "justify", (which was what I felt he was doing), the extra time by asking me about it and his reply to my answer was, "Oh so it really was necessary. Okay."

What the !uck is wrong with you? I was not off lounging on the beach somewhere. I was not off shopping the days away. I was playing nurse to someone who could not walk without crutches. Who could not stand for short periods of time. Who could not shower for three days after surgery. Who could not sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time. Who could not... I don't know what else but I still had vacation days that I earned from working my ass off for them so I was entitled to it.

On top of being pissed about the extra day and ALL THE SHIT I WALKED BACK INTO when I returned to work that Friday because Boss "A" just can't do anything other than open personal mail and read celebrity news while in the office I get into the "incident", as I refer to it as, which up front I had to pay out $1000.00 to fix my car and who knows what else after my insurance rate goes up upon renewal and the other party decides to sue me, I get these "tickets of supposed appreciation" a week after Administrative Assistants Day because they though it was the following week and I am supposed to be thankful, grateful, happyful and anything else "ful"? Really? Oh also before the tickets, before the "incident" and before the additional day off it was my 4 year anniversary of working for them which was ignored.

I don't want extra gifts. I don't want, "Oh I was out shopping this weekend, saw this and thought off you" gifts. I don't want the rebate cards from the cell phone company as an extra incentive to enjoy this job. I don't want anything like any of that. But what I do want is more money. I would like a raise. I would like more than 10 days paid time off a year. Would that really cost more than the extra gifts I get?

Buying those tickets does not make up for the fact that I was screwed when I got into the incident because it is now on my insurance and I had to pay out that money. My dad thought better of my employers and he told me they would offer to pay for the car. I told him I could not accept that because it was my fault. I would tell them I would take half. But guess what? I never actually had to say that because they don't actually feel as though they are responsible. Boss "A" said to me, "I feel that whether you were leaving for lunch or leaving for a company errand it was your fault." Well what happens if I am the victim of a hit and run while running a company errand? Was that my fault because I chose to be at that exact spot at that exact time so I should have to pay the deductible? Where is the line?

I was afraid to have the conversation because it was not going to end well. I am never going to agree with them and they are never going to agree with me. It would have been left at I should leave the company. The bright side is they have not asked me to run a personal errand since. Thank the god lord above for that.

The tickets are upon me for tomorrow night. I completely forgot and would have not remember if I didn't listen to sports radio every morning which clued me in when they spoke of the opposing team. So great. I have these expensive tickets where I get to enjoy a game of baseball with.... Oh that's right I have no one in my life to go with other than my father. Right. That makes me feel so great about myself that I have isolated myself from the world and insulated my life with only family. Perfect.

Again thank you so much Boss "A" and "B" for showing me how "appreciated" I really am.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."                               -Marcel Proust

Embarrassed

I admit it to a lot of people. But mostly to people I know and letting others know is a bit embarrassing. I am having a friendly conversation with the "Jeff" portion of Matt & Jeff's Car Wash and he asks what I purchased inside the store which I replied with, "Father's Day cards. Nothing like waiting till the last minute." He then goes on to ask if my father lives in the area because he went to the mountain play last weekend and enjoyed it. Thought that would be an enjoyable thing to do with my father for Father's Day. I reply with, "Yes he lives here. I still live at home." Why could I have not lied? Why do I feel the need to tell people the truth. Lies do not always hurt people. Sure I will see him again. I go there to get gasoline and get the car cleaned but does he really need to know that I am a stunted slowly maturing adult of 26 years? NO!

Point being it has finally really hit me. You can know something but not really know it until it hits you over the head and this "know" has finally been hit over my head. I am fastly rolling down the hill to "Unacceptableville". No more is it considered "Okay. She just needs a little more time here." It is getting embarrassing.

Last weekend the neighbor's came over for Friday night and after two bottles of champagne and three bottles of white wine Julie started giving me her unbiased opinion of my life. I admit I started the topic of conversation of moving out but I did not expect it to turn into 45 minutes, (I swear it was that long), of her telling my over and over I need to move out. Get some independence. Move out by myself or with someone. Friend or stranger. All my excuses are just excuses and I just need to do it. I need to set goals for myself in my head. Start small and enlarge them as they are met. She has done this through her life and she says it is amazing how many goals she has met. Really?, but that is another subject for different time.

Do people think I do not know these things? Do people think I enjoy it? Do people think I want to be my age and never have known real independence? Do people think I want to continue this way? I have reasons, (and yes reasons can sometimes ring as excuses), as to why I am still here. I accepted the responsibility of owning a dog when I accepted the gift of said dog. I do not take the responsibility lightly. I cannot just move us into a 300 sq ft apartment and expect her to be happy. I do not physically have the time or the mental capacity to walk her 20 times a day which is what it would take if we did not have a yard. And what apartment comes with a yard? So rent or buy a house, right? Easier said then done. Next problem. I have acquired a standard of living that does not meet my checkbook but exceeds my checkbook. So just to make myself  feel better about my age and where I am in life I should move into a dump that meets my financial status. Which really in all honestly is all I can afford, (remember the dog and I need to eat. everyday.). Great. Moving day here we come. After the rent or mortgage is paid every month what am I suppose to use to pay for car payments, electricity, water, food, dog supplies and medical bills, TV, (because I cannot be without cable), phone, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. Do I want to be here for the rest of my life? Is this the city for me? The area? The state even? I don't know. How do you find out?

A face from the past

So last week my best friend from 1st grade to part way through 6th grade dropped by. It was extremely weird. I had already written her off as someone I would never see again. She decided a long time ago I was not important enough or cool enough or pretty enough or popular enough or not enough of something to be firends with so I did not try. Maybe it was the fact that I was going no where and she was definitely going somewhere. I will never know. Who wants to be the one that asks or gets asked, "Why didn't you like me?". There is no way to ask that question without sounding like a whiny little child. So I moved on. I waste not want not. Try at least. But she made it a point to try to find me. Whether she had been thinking about it for a while or it just popped into her head as she was driving by she stopped in. Turns out we have a mutual friend. Her across the street neighbor. Or who used to be her across the street neighbor when she was living in her father's house. I was still working and could not spend time standing there, (because that was what I was doing since she was talking to our mutual friend instead), so I excused myself, gave her my number and told her she had to call.  Because I really have no idea what has been happening in her life for the last 10+ years. Although I know one thing. Her father past away. Unexpectedly and sadly. She seems adjusted to it. But selfishly it made me sad that she did not try to contact me when it happened. I know I always bring it back to me. But aren't my personal musings that run around my head suppose to be about me? But the question I have... Why try to see me now after all these years of being not a part of each others lives or thoughts does she try to reconnect when she is moving to the other side of the country? And will she? Coincidentally enough my cousin and I had just been talking about my low number of friends and she suggested I do join Facebook and reconnect with people from my past. But again I say I refuse. Why do I refuse? I don't even have an aswer anymore for that except I just refuse. I do not want to be sucked in. To all of it. I spend my entire work day facing a computer screen, typing, talking, searching, pretending to be working and after I leave I prefer to shut it all down. Forget and live in the real world because the computer is a neverending see of nothing. I do this for me. Safest way to write my thoughts. And disappointments. And fears. And joys, (few and far between these days). And tears.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

Oscar Wilde

The brigh spot in an otherwise dreary day

A friend got bad news today and it hit me pretty hard. Devastated me more like it. Devastated her and her family. But there was nothing to do. I don't know if it is good that I feel so much or crippling that I feel so much. But to the bright spot. Devil child and I went for a walk after work and these two adorable kids were out riding their bikes. As we came even to their driveway I realized they were yelling at me. They were playing on their bikes waiting for people to walk by with their dogs to offer them water along their journey. They had their lawn chairs set up in the driveway where they could rest after tiring of riding their bikes. They had written signs and were so excited to offer us wahter. Unfortunately Devil child is a bit shy and there was no way to get her to cross the street unless I dragged her across. I thanked them a few times and explained that she was a bit shy. It was sweet. It was kind. It was unexpected. It was unexpectedly encouraging. Time moves along and stops for no one or no thing. But bright spots come when least expected and most needed.

New Year

1. My job.
2. My habitual spending.
3. My lack of exercising.
4. My constant yelling.
5. My continual belittling of my mother.














These are the things I burned before the new year began. These are the things I want to let go of in the new year. New year. Can you believe? Unfortunately the new year came a bit too soon. I gave my self January as my deadline I believe in Spring/Summer for getting a new job. Obviously I did nothing to make that happen. Hopefully I can make it happen sometime this year. I have pledged to not spend more than the $600 that is in my checking currently for this month. Since I pledged this to myself there is no penalty for not complying other than knowing I did not live up to my goal. I figure if I attack it one month at a time I might start saving more than I have in the recent past since making my vehicle purchase. And by saving I might be able to have more to my name than a car and a dog. Maybe a house some time in the future. Or not. Seeing as if I had a house I would really never be able to leave this dead end job. I have already started repairing my exercise regime. I have Wii Fitted my nights the last three nights. Kind of fun. Each morning I think I am going to wake up sore and not be able to Wii Fit it the next night but no I live to Wii fit it another day. I tend to raise my voice without knowing I am raising my voice until after having raised my voice. It instantly pisses me off when people shush me. I think I am embarrassed that I raise my voice and that is why shushing is not one of my favorite things. I think I raise my voice so people will listen to me. I yell because I am mad, annoyed, frustrated, etc. but I do not need to yell to get my point, view, etc to others. I tend to talk over my mother. I tend to tell her she is wrong. I tend to correct her in front of others. I don’t know why. I don’t know I am doing it until I see the look on her face. I do not want to hurt her feelings. I do not want to make her feel stupid. someone told me I do this. And has repeatedly told me I do this. My mother has told me I do this. I do not feel good after I have done it but it escapes before I realize it has been verbalized.
2009 brought little new to my life. I bought a vehicle. But that is not very exciting for long. I went on my first solo road trip. Highly enjoyed. Ditched my hairstylist without notice for a new one that I am not sure is any better but … Started walking my dog regularly until October hit and got in the way. I felt good about myself then. It’s very harmonizing to walk alone. With just your thoughts to center. It releases tension and panic and frustration and mental exhaustion that otherwise would have settled in my shoulders and festered and grown until I would have had to explode on someone or thing that had nothing to do with it. There were days were I could not wait to get home or was sorry to see our corner for the walk was moments from being over. I feel I have not changed from 2008 to 2009. I feel the days, weeks, months, years of my life are being wasted on doing, saying, being the same things and one day I will wake up and everything will be the same except there is no time left to change.
Resolutions always fail. You never live up to your own expectations for the new year. I feel if I try a little at a time maybe, just maybe I can fix what is wrong with me. I might accomplish something noteworthy for 2010. Till next time.

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.
-Oprah Winfrey