Let me preface this whole tirade with this is my sister's wedding weekend. It is a few months in the making. Detail wise. Really 12 years in the making. That's how long it took for him to finally ask. I think she ruined it because they have been living together for at least 8 years and like people say, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free." So... We are here in Vegas for the never-thought-it would happen nuptials on Saturday. I try to be a good sport. I honestly do. I do not start out wanting to hate the experience. I don’t want to hate the experience. But most times that is what it turns into. I got my room away from everyone. Not on purpose but it happened. And good. I like to be away and it gives me an excuse to leave at times. I got dressed for dinner alone, asked for help, they arrived and blew it off. Well okay. I was dressed fine. Whatever. I know this is her time and everyone is here to see her so I should not expect for her to give me attention but hello? I am here because of you. I am not here because I enjoy Vegas. Fourth time here and not sure I have enjoyed any of the trips. Dinner. Waiting for the table at the video machines and she walks off with her best friend. Same story as my second trip to Vegas. See a pattern? Every trip has been a “family” trip. At dinner. Extremely pricey and it is only our first night here. I try to get it so Christine is next to me but she moves so the chair was open for my dad. Exactly what I was trying to avoid. He goes on and on to the wine lady, (I know there is a real word for that but who wants to write it?), about wine. He acts like he knows and he doesn’t. I instantly am annoyed at his tone of voice and supposed knowledge of the topic. My sister goes to stand up and go to the bathroom and she cannot find her purse anymore. It is gone. Not there. The restaurant employees do not seem to mind. Barely get them to move. And they try to tell us no one walked behind her. Well I know for a fact one of theirs waiters and a bus boy walked that way. So more people could have. It was not under anyone else’s table. Not at our table. Security is called. I walk back to my room just to make sure she did not leave it there. Of course it is not there after that long trek barefoot through the casino. Back at the table, finished with security and calling the bank to cancel her card. Does not know her account number. I trek my ass back through the casino, again barefoot, to get to the room, turn on the computer, figure out the wi-fi, which is not FREE, and log in to her account to get the number. Well guess the fuck what? She says she does not need the account number anymore but since I am already there she wants me to check if the thief has charged anything. Back to the table where starters have been served and bread with spreads. A bottle of wine has been ordered. I pass. Dinner is served. First thought, “Not worth the $25 price they have stuck it with.” Not great. Now did this whole experience sour me on this restaurant and this expensive meal? Hell yes. I have my mother on my left who is already in the hole drinking wise. My father on my right who insists on constantly touching those around him. I do not need my head petted. I do not need my back rubbed, my shoulders rubbed. I do not need to be touched. I am always telling him not to but he never listens. Never remembers important things he should know about me. We are asked if we want dessert. Unanimously we say no. It is almost 10:30 and my parents go to play video slots, my sister and her best friend are standing there talking about things I know nothing about and people I don’t know. She asks me what I am going to do and I say, “If this is what you are going to do I might as well go to my room.” I am asked again why I don’t want to gamble. Not in the mood at 10:30. What would I do? It’s not like I know some hot spot we can all go “hang” at. I am not with friends. I am with my parents and really have no urge to party with them. I don’t even know how to party. So I say good bye, see you tomorrow and walk away. All feeling sorry for myself. I set myself up for this. I cannot stop my motions. Every time. Problem is I feel sorry for myself most of always. I hate that I am alone. That I am the after thought. That it is 2+2+1 always. Me being the 1. Even with Christine I am still a one. She ignores me when Christine is around which yes I am just feeling sorry about myself and my life really is not that hard and I should get over it and not dwell on it. But all I have is my own head at the end of the day and there is no one but me to think about and my sad lonely, sheltered, tired existence.
My dad asked me if I was going to cry at the wedding. Only reason I would, again, would be because I am feeling sorry for myself. Not because I was over come with joy for them. It would be all about me. How sick is that? I cannot be happy for her first and think about myself last for this one day.
-Over it all in Las Vegas.
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